I’ve been sitting here for a long time
So long I can hardly remember a time where I was not
(Sitting, that is)
And I’m sure my leg will be cramped when I stand up
And I’m sure my eyes will droop and beg for sleep soon
But how could I bear to move?
There are castles being built around me
And then torn down
And then built again
And then torn down again
A vicious, fascinating cycle
That goes round and round like a carousel
Kings and Queens are dancing and delegating and declaring war
War over stolen sheep and sugar taxes
And they keep replacing each other one by one
Living in their castles of stone and marble and glass
And bricks and sticks and grass
And still I sit and watch
There are flowers growing around me
And then being drowned
And then growing again
And then being drowned again
The torrential rains must have lasted for years now
And I almost long for the castles
(Almost, but not quite)
On the good days bees will buzz and hummingbirds hum
And on the bad ones lightning hits a little too close
Buzzing and humming
Much more rudely than I got from bees and hummingbirds
I haven’t seen anyone in a long time
Not since the last castle was torn down
And the flood is up to my ears now
But how could I bear to move?
There are soldiers shooting around me
And then getting shot
And then shooting again
And then getting shot again
I wonder if what comes next is a graveyard
This time I do long for the flowers
But I see faces and skin and lockets with pictures of faraway lovers
And on some selfish days I’m just happy I’m not alone
I wonder what they’re fighting about
But none of them take the time to stop and tell me
And I never take the time to stop them and ask
But I bet there’s a history teacher, one hundred years in the future, who knows
So all I can hope is one day he’ll walk past where I sit
And lean in and tell me every secret these men keep close to their chest
Their chests that spill open far too often
I can barely bear it
And still I sit and watch
There are sunbeams circling around me
And then fading into moonbeams
And then rising with the sun again
And then fading into moonbeams again
And they’re tinted red and orange and yellow and green and blue and purple
From the stained glass windows that soar floor to ceiling
Ornaments of the walls I’m enclosed in
A cathedral, now
Named after one saint or another
And I’ve spent so many years watching sinners come to beg to the stars
I wonder if one day I’ll go to Hell
Then the light hits, just right, and a strawberry flavored light washes over me
Tinting my world with rosy retrospection
I wonder if I know too much
If I’d forget it all if I just stood up and walked out the front door
Or maybe the back one that the alter boys used to use to sneak in
After slipping out mid sermon for a smoke
Maybe the world is gentler when you don’t see so much of it
But how could I bear to move?
There are crowds of people rushing around me
And then falling asleep
And then rushing again
And then falling asleep again
It seems silly to me to spend all that time asleep
When they could get where they’re going twice as fast if they just kept moving
Since it appears they’re already in such a mad rush to get there
It tastes like chaos and smells like fear
They’re calling to one another with their arms outreached
And I once again finding myself wondering what comes next
It’s obvious they’re desperate to get out of here
Which, historically, has never meant good things for those who stay
(Which, historically, has been me)
And for the first time in many many many many many years
I feel a minute flicker of a wish, a hope, a plea
That someone will call to me
With their arms outreached
And take me with them, somewhere far away from here
But the flicker is extinguished as soon as my mind travels to that faraway place
I’ve never been there
And I’ve always been here
So how could I bear to move?
The people become faster
The people become less
I watch the back of every departing human
A miniature figure running into a vast unknown
It’s not so much that I long to leave
More that I long for someone to offer me their hand
Entangle their fingers with mine
And whisk me away
For the dark is all-encompassing
The stars are distant
I am solitary
Yet still I sit and watch.